On bartender's conversation.

I'm a service industry man.  I've spent the better part of a decade behind a bar of one variety or another - even now, I'm in week two at my neighborhood cafe as a register grunt slash pastry gopher slash crepe bitch, and I'm loving every second of it.  (Well, the seconds I'm not up to my arms in cleaning chemicals, anyway.)

When it comes down to it, I like people.  Despite my misanthropic rantings and periodic hermitism (I'm getting more introverted as the years wear on), nothing Miltons my Wright like some good old-fashioned banter.  And it's good for business, too.  Everyone wants to feel welcome, everyone wants to feel special.  And taking the time to talk to people works wonders in that respect.

Of course, this means that over the years, I've had to make myself seem far more witty and charming than I actually am.  That's not false modesty, by the way - Raoul in his natural habitat formulates Borderlands character builds complete with projected equipment and sings the harmony to Somewhere Out There (by himself) while fortifying chicken stock for risotto later.

Anyway, I figured I'd toss out a few pointers I've picked up transmogrifying myself into a socially entertaining individual.

If you don't know, don't ask.  If you started paying attention two lines before a story gets a laugh and you don't get why it's funny, you're not a part of it.  Don't ask, don't pry yourself into someone else's conversation.

If you're listening in, don't show it.  If they're talking loud enough for you to overhear while you're washing glasses, it's fair game.  And nothing makes an impact than referring to something that happened fifteen minutes before you met someone.  Sneaky and invasive?  You betcha.  But it works.

Listen with your whole body.  It's more important for them to feel listened to than it is to actually listen.  Turn your body towards them.  Make eye contact.  Lean forward.

Also, actually listen.  You don't have to be able to recite everything they just said back to you, but pick up enough to refer back to two or three lines later.  The best way to make someone feel listened to after the aforementioned display is, in fact, to listen to them.

Learn when to tune out.  Listening to someone drone on and on about something you have zero interest in can get exhausting.  It can also lead to fantasies of slamming the person's head into the bar repeatedly, or giving them a turban wedgie.  Don't do this.  Instead, try a little trick I've learned - nod patiently while they talk, and any time they mention a number, just say "[number]?  Really!" as if you're learning something new.

Don't beat a dead horse.  I know, I know.  The instant you get a big laugh, your first instinct is to try to recreate that laugh.  But like an orgasm, it's gone, and you're never going to get that specific one back no matter how hard and fast you repeat yourself.  So let the comment go, but as quick as you can, give them the chance to repeat it back to you.  Then sit on it for fifteen to thirty minutes and pull the trigger on the last one.  The wait is key - you need for them to have forgotten it just enough so that it takes 0.7 seconds to recall what you're talking about.

That's enough for now, I think.  Especially since someone keeps distracting me with Macklemore videos.  I'll revisit the subject when I think of more of my little tricks.  In the meantime, I have to dance around singing "Thrift Shop" at my cats.

Cheers.