Thing is, I haven't found a lot of material on how to actually make something stick. Okay, you've had a great couple of months. You've gotten through your first big fight. You're past the honeymoon phase, and all that's left is the two of you. I can't tell you how many of my friends don't get past this phase, the stretch between "YAY NEW RELATIONSHIP" and "Well, I guess we're getting married". And fuck that "if you know, you know" bullshit; this span takes just as much work as any other part of your relationship.
I realize that as a serial monogamist working on becoming a full-fledged ex-husband, I'm not exactly an expert on dating, but here's a couple of pointers I've picked up along the way.
1. Understand what they're passionate about. Might sound like common sense or romantic comedy bullshit, but fact is, if you don't understand why she won't shut up about the travel industry or he volunteers at the pet adoption center, you're missing a fundamental aspect of who your partner really is. And unless they're stupidly hot and/or rich, if you don't get the person you're with, trust me, it's not going to last long.
2. Enjoy what they're into. Admittedly, this is a diminutive form of the first point. But if you intend on sharing a life with someone, much less a living space, you'd better make sure that what they do in their spare time doesn't annoy the shit out of you. If you're not okay with him spending a weekend screaming at football or going antiquing with her, then things stand a pretty good chance of getting rough pretty quickly. Caveat: if you have your own activity you can do on your own time, like working the antique car in the garage or writing your novel while your partner plays through the latest Mass Effect DLC, then this can work.
3. Stay thirsty, my friends. Congratulations! You've won the human of your dreams over; you know everything there is to know about them and vice versa. You know what happens when you watch the same movie over and over and over and over again? Shit gets boring. Just because you've gotten them too lazy to look for someone else doesn't mean you get to sit back and enjoy the ride. Go new places. Get new stories. Get out there and be interesting, for fuck's sake.
4. Keep fucking. I'm serious. In all my relationships, only one didn't go completely sexually dead inside two years, and that's because the girl was out-of-her-mind psychotic. You're going to get into a routine - you go down on her, she goes down on you, you ram it in until she's done, you hack your Gibson, and you're done in time for the news. And eventually you start trading that in for an episode or two of 30 Rock instead. Get weird. Just make sure that when you do, they're into it, too. If you're in a schoolgirl outfit, knuckles-deep in someone's ass and checking Twitter with the other hand, no one wins.
5. Learn to read them. I can't tell you how many articles I've read where a happily married couple is all "We're best friends! We tell each other everything! Open communication for the win!". Then they go back to huffing unicorn farts and playing leprechaun bocce in their cloud garden because that shit doesn't exist. The one thing someone never wants to talk about is themselves in relation to the person they're fucking to the person they're fucking. I don't care if you were attached-at-the-hip besties before you decided cooperative mattress testing was a good idea, when you're in a relationship, you arm yourself for war. That means showing no weakness and seeking the upper hand just in case. So do the next best thing and pay attention to how they act when they're in a shitty mood. Know when they need to come home to a batch of fresh-baked brownies, or when they need commercial break oral.
6. Don't be a dick. You might be stuck with this person for a long time, so be sensible about how you treat them. If you wouldn't do it to your roommate, why would you do it to your bedmate? Don't get high and plow through the hummus they were going to bring to work tomorrow. Don't passive-aggressively leave the dishes in the hopes they'll come to their senses and do it. Generally speaking, it's not a good idea to give your mate reasons to hate you.
Comments have led to this post being continued the following day. ONWARD
Nice article! I'll admit I don't understand the part where you wrote: "The one thing someone never wants to talk about is themselves in relation to the person they're fucking to the person they're fucking." That's...too many words for me. Also, why is being in a relationship a call to war? I don't understand that as well.
ReplyDeleteHere's a good piece of advice: If you live together, give each other space. Especially if one (or both) is introverted. Everyone needs alone time. Don't take it personally if they want to disappear into a video game or a book for awhile. It's just letting the brain rest.
Heh. That's my overly convoluted way of saying that people in a relationship tend to be reluctant to talk about the relationship with the person they're in a relationship with. In early phases, it can make said relationship seem like work.
DeleteAs for the call to arms, being emotionally intimate with someone is generally terrifying; the idea of letting someone know your weaknesses can provoke a defensive instinct, whether it's conscious or no. It's something that breaks down in the long run, but it takes time and patience.
And very, VERY good advice on the giving each other space. I can't count how many relationships I've seen go south going from "I WANT TO SPEND EVERY MINUTE WITH YOU" to "get off of me, goddamn it".
Sorry! I didn't see your reply til now! I've been in my relationship for so long that I find it hard to remember what the beginning was like... The ongoing issue that I think we still deal with is my temper vs. his laidback style. It's hard for him sometimes when my temper flares up. It's not often directed at him but even seeing me get upset about other things makes him upset too. His solution is often to try to reason with the beast but that only makes me madder. I have to call my sisters or mom or BFF to get them to agree with me, "Oh, yes, that bitch was totally out of line when she said that to you!" My husband's more ZEN-LIKE approach is never going to be my style. But I married him for his zen-like ways. I just know where to go for a good bitch-fest. :)
DeleteHaha this is hilarious!
ReplyDeleteI might change #2 to "accept what they're into" though. I don't think my boyfriend and I enjoy all the same things (though we do have a lot of common interests) but I'd never whine about him listening to sports radio and he wouldn't rag on me for blogging.
Honestly, my biggest tip in relationships, regardless of what stage you're at, is to just accept the other person for who they are, flaws included. I have so many friends who are like, "Gosh, things are going well. He just need to stop [insert random hobby/habit/characteristic here] and then we'd be perfect." Stop it with that shit. If you're not cool with the possibility that they may be exactly the way they are right now, forever, forget it. People aren't houses you can fix up and do some work on.
Agreed. The important thing is to make sure that the other person's activities don't irritate you. Feeling neutral towards something is fine, but if you can barely tolerate something, eventually you won't be able to tolerate it anymore.
DeleteI'm starting to think I'm going to have to add a part 2 to this tomorrow.
I love your part2! :)
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