On the value of self-loathing.

I hate myself.

I am a liar.  I am a coward.  I am manipulative and arrogant.  I am ingeniously lazy, noticeably lacking in self-control, and consistently self-defeating.

And I'm not saying all this fishing for compliments or support, for warm hugs and pats on the back. Fuck that noise. I know that for all my weaknesses, and they are legion, I am an exceptional human being. I say this to you because I know I am not alone. I know that even in this day and age of feelgoodery and positive self-actualization, you know that in your heart sits a wad of shit, black and odorous, that turns your stomach every time you think of it. That deep down, you hate yourself too. Maybe not every hour of every day, but it's there.

And that hate, that self-loathing, is good.  Because those to truly love every aspect of themselves are the complacent.  The people who do nothing, who achieve nothing, because there's nothing left to achieve.  Or worse, the megalomanic, the psychotic, the people so certain they can do no wrong that they raze everything in their path to mold the world in their image.

Do you think those who spend hours at the gym, sculpting themselves into paragons of fitness, are ever happy with how they look?  Are the go-getters scaling the corporate ladder ever satisfied with their positions?  They hate that they're two pounds off their target weight, they hate that someone else is still making more money than they are.

No, if you truly want to be good, you have to hate yourself.  You have to look at your shortcomings and be disgusted at the person they can make you.  It is because I am arrogant that I remind myself I'm nothing to be arrogant about.  It is because I can control how someone feels that I make them feel good.

A friend once told me that being a good person isn't something you are, it's something you do.  So take the time to really look at yourself, to really be honest with yourself.  Don't cover up the prejudice, don't hide the selfishness; just sit in it.  Embrace it.  Breathe it in.  Realize what a shitty, shitty human being you could be.

And do everything in your power to keep that from happening.