On one of those days.

Have you ever had one of those days where you think yourself into a spiral?  Maybe you know what I'm talking about.  When nothing going on that day seems to pick you up, the activities you have planned for yourself seem inconsequential and dull.  When, despite the years of amassed knowledge and wisdom you've acquired, the future seems so vast and empty and dark that you feel helpless in the face of it.  When that spark you've been carrying in your heart, that light that pries your eyes open in the morning and shoots through your spine as you roll out of bed is conspicuously absent.

When your writing projects stare you in the face, empty boxes and windows with one accusatory vertical line blinking at you.  When the things you wanted to cook for yourself are too complicated or time consuming for you right now, and you tell yourself the ingredients will keep for another day.  When it's too much to make the phone calls you need to make, or open the bills you need to pay.

Your mind is moving, but your body isn't.  And your thoughts are plentiful, but refuse to focus.  You let the things you keep neatly shelved in your head loose - the doubts, the anger, the fear.  You get so mad the blackest ideas surface; you recoil in horror, terrified that you're going insane.  You scrutinize everything you do, every interaction you experience, looking for where you fucked up, where you failed.

Before you know it, it's dark outside.  You haven't done anything, and it's too late to get anything started.  Everything you pick up feels heavy.  Your head or your stomach hurts, but you don't care enough to do anything about it or figure out which one it is.  You don't feel like yourself, but how can that be?  You have to be you.  This is you.

And you stare at the TV as the hours tick by, waiting for the time you're not embarrassed to say you went to bed.  And you know the day is wasted, that you're one step closer to the grave without having anything to show for it.  And you hope when you wake up the next day, it'll be different.  But you're pretty sure it'll be the same.

Ever have one of those days?

I'm having one of those days.