So one of the questions Peter and Lauren covered on their podcast was "What is love?" And after the requisite "Don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more"s, Laur was quick to state that she believed that love was a biological imperative, something I've always believed - that the concept of love and marriage arose from the necessity of both parents being present to protect and raise a child to adulthood.
Of course, as civilization obviated that need and separated the two (see: single parents and childless couples), the need for love has dissolved. Nevertheless, it remains in all its messy, heartrending glory to be written about in legend and song and to be exploited by capitalism.
Nowadays, I've come to believe that romantic love is composed of two distinct, but equally important parts: to be in love, and to love. There's an important distinction here: according to the rules of grammar, the former is a passive verb and the latter is active. To be in love is a compulsion, something that's usually out of one's control. This is the passion, the neverending daydreaming and fantasizing, the infatuation and oftentimes lust. It burns hot, and it burns quick. This is what the poets speak of, this is what movie plots and subplots are based on. This is what sells lingerie and candles and OKC A-List accounts.
To love, however, is a choice. To love is to understand someone, to assess their assets and faults, and to make the decision to care about them as you would yourself. To me, this is the far more poignant half of romance - to love someone is to know that they can and likely will hurt you, to know that things they do will annoy the shit out of you, to know that their shortcomings are yours to compensate for, and you fucking do it anyway. To be in love makes for a great story, but to love is what makes the happily ever after.
Some might say that this takes the romance out of love, that applying logic and reasoning to the concept of love drains it of its mysterious magic. I couldn't disagree more. To me, to make a choice that guarantees you pain on the chance that the joy it will bring you will make it worth it is as brave, stupid, and beautiful a decision as you ever can make. To fall in love? Shit, that just happens to you. To love, you have to suck it up and do something.
"I envy them their public love. I myself have only known it in secret, shared it in secret and longed, aw longed to show it - to be able to say out loud what they have no need to say at all: ‘That I have loved only you, surrendered my whole self reckless to you and nobody else. That I want you to love me back and show it to me. That I love the way you hold me, how close you let me be to you. That I love the way you hold me, how close you let me be to you. I like your fingers on and on, lifting, turning. I have watched your face for a long time now, and missed your eyes when you went away from me. Talking to you and hearing you answer - that’s the kick.'"- Toni Morrison, Jazz
ReplyDeleteI just spent some time looking for this quote. I read it in high school and it has stuck with me since. This quote is what this entry reminds me of. We don't choose immature love, we choose mature love, and that mature love, that choice, it's worth so so so much more.
i've read a lot about this, and having been in two four year relationships, i can say, YES, PREACH. once i realized that my every day is a choice, that i can take a deep breath and we can move forward and work shit out like grownups, that's when i felt really and truly committed to it.
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